We have two weeks of football now, which is plenty of information to confidently determine that I understand nothing about the Southern Conference.

The Citadel lost to Wofford by 28 and then beat an FBS team.

Wofford is 2-0 despite being outgained 438-208 Saturday.

Western Carolina rushed for one yard.

Chattanooga threw for 37.

Tennessee Tech keeps winning, which feels unnecessary.

And Campbell is good.

Campbell is not in the SoCon, so they cannot be ranked here. Unfortunately, they’ve spent the first two weeks beating SoCon teams, so we do need to discuss them.

They scored 49 at ETSU and then beat No. 24 Western Carolina 28-19 while putting up 528 yards.

We’re done pretending this is complicated.

Campbell is good.

Wake up.

1. ETSU (1-1)

Beat Tusculum, 48-14

Slow start.

Don’t care.

It’s hard to convince college kids that playing a Division II team in Week 2 is the most important event of their lives.

Eventually ETSU remembered it was supposed to win by a lot and did exactly that. The Bucs scored touchdowns on all four second-half possessions and finished with 484 yards.

Mason Mims continues to look good: 242 yards and three touchdowns. Through two collegiate starts, he’s thrown for 615 yards and five scores.

TJ Peyton added 121 yards and two touchdowns on 11 carries.

Also:

Billy Taylor!

Welcome back.

The former ETSU defensive coordinator returned to Greene Stadium, this time as Tusculum’s head coach. He was a huge part of some really good ETSU teams, so it was genuinely great seeing him back in Johnson City. He is one of the most genuine and good humans I’ve ever been around.

Hope you enjoyed the visit, Billy.

Please enjoy Greeneville, they’re luck to have you.

My only real concern was Tusculum rushing for 212 yards. That’s probably not something we want to make a habit of with North Carolina coming next.

But ETSU won 48-14.

I’m not launching a federal investigation.

ETSU remains No. 1.

Obviously.

2. Mercer (2-0)

Beat Presbyterian, 62-3

Much better.

Last week Mercer led East Texas A&M 23-0 at halftime and spent the second half attempting to lose a game it had already won.

This week they simply scored 62.

That’s more efficient.

Jaylen King accounted for six touchdowns.

Yes.

That Jaylen King.

King started 10 games at quarterback for ETSU in 2024 before going to Florida State and eventually resurfacing at Mercer.

He was also ETSU’s quarterback the night No. 2 North Dakota State came to Johnson City.

ETSU led 35-23 with less than two minutes left.

We lost 38-35.

I was there.

Saddest I’ve ever been after a football game.

I don’t really have a joke for that one.

Anyway, now Jaylen King is at Mercer scoring six touchdowns.

Great.

Mercer scored 35 points in the second quarter and led 42-3 at halftime. This time they continued participating after halftime, which was a nice development.

Presbyterian isn’t much of a measuring stick, but 62-3 is what you’re supposed to do.

Mercer gets Furman next.

Now we’ll actually learn something.

Also, no all-orange uniforms Saturday.

Interesting.

The investigation remains open.

3. The Citadel (1-1, 0-1 SoCon)

Beat Charlotte, 43-41 (3OT)

Last week:

Wofford 42, The Citadel 14.

This week:

The Citadel beats an FBS team.

Sure.

The Bulldogs went to Charlotte, rushed for 268 yards and won in triple overtime.

It was their first FBS win since beating Georgia Tech in 2019.

Here’s my favorite part:

The Citadel is now 2-0 all-time against Charlotte.

Both games went to overtime.

Imagine being Charlotte and having a small military college in Charleston that occasionally appears on your schedule solely to ruin your evening.

Charlotte had 538 yards of offense.

Didn’t matter.

The Citadel just kept running the football and hanging around until Charlotte finally lost the argument.

And now Wofford’s 42-14 win over the Bulldogs looks considerably more interesting.

This is why trying to understand the SoCon before October is a medical condition.

4. Wofford (2-0, 1-0 SoCon)

Beat Gardner-Webb, 17-13

Wofford is 2-0.

Gardner-Webb outgained Wofford 438-208.

Both statements are true.

Gardner-Webb threw for 378 yards and had twice as many first downs.

Still lost.

Special teams helped. Ivory Aikens returned the opening kickoff 97 yards for a touchdown, and Wofford’s punter put three balls inside the two.

Apparently the Wofford two-yard line is protected federal property.

Then Gardner-Webb appeared to score the winning touchdown late.

Offensive pass interference.

I’ve watched it.

I’ve watched it again.

I still don’t know.

Maybe the official saw something… I don’t know.

Touchdown erased.

Interception next play.

Wofford wins.

Shawn Watson said afterward that the passing game needs to get “cleaned up.”

Considering Gardner-Webb outgained Wofford by 230 yards, I agree there may be some light housekeeping necessary.

Still:

2-0.

And that Citadel win suddenly looks pretty good.

5. Western Carolina (1-1)

Lost to Campbell, 28-19

Campbell had to postpone this game due to a light pole not receiving any power. Did Western Carolina get hosed because of this? I don’t know. Is it something that we can blame? Sure.

I still think Western Carolina is dangerous.

Lex Thomas threw for 326 yards and two touchdowns without an interception.

That’s good.

Western Carolina rushed for one yard.

That’s less good.

One.

Not one yard per carry.

One total rushing yard on 18 attempts.

I rushed for one fewer yard than Western Carolina on Sunday.

The Catamounts also went 2-of-13 on third down, missed a PAT, and missed a 43-yard field goal in the fourth quarter.

Normally I wouldn’t panic about kicking in Week 2.

Except Western fans probably remember exactly how the Mercer game ended last year.

Field goal.

Celebration.

Field rushed.

Kicker lifted up in the air only to see him mouth “ I missed”.

Pain.

You don’t get to have kicking trauma and immediately begin collecting additional kicking trauma.

Lex Thomas can play. Kerwin Bell can coach offense. Western is going to score plenty of points.

But perhaps Tuesday’s practice should include kicking the football between the large yellow objects.

Just an idea.

And again:

Campbell is good.

Wake up.

6. Furman (1-1)

Lost to Tennessee, 56-9

I don’t know what you want me to do with this one.

Furman played Tennessee.

Tennessee is substantially better at football.

Tennessee won 56-9.

Analysis complete.

There were a couple positives.

Isaiah Davis ran for 113 yards on only eight carries, which is legitimately impressive.

Nathan Chapman also hit a 50-yard field goal.

Congratulations, Furman.

You have been awarded the Southern Conference’s functioning kicking game.

Please report to Cullowhee immediately.

Otherwise, Tennessee had 638 yards and scored 56 points.

Sometimes the check clears and you move on with your life.

Furman gets Mercer next.

That’s infinitely more interesting.

Mercer is the two-time defending conference champion. Furman is still Furman.

That’s when we’ll actually figure out where the Paladins belong.

Until then, thank you for your service.

7. Chattanooga (1-1)

Lost to Tennessee Tech, 24-9

This is a weird football team.

Chattanooga rushed for 190 yards.

Journey Wyche had 113 on 12 carries.

The defense held Tennessee Tech to 237 total yards and 76 rushing.

Those numbers suggest Chattanooga should’ve been fine.

Chattanooga threw for 37 yards.

There it is.

Thirty-seven.

The forward pass was legalized in 1906.

The Mocs remain undecided.

They completed four passes and didn’t score a touchdown.

Worse, both Chattanooga interceptions turned into Tennessee Tech touchdowns.

There’s your football game.

Rusty Wright said afterward that Chattanooga needs to execute at a “very, very, very high level” offensively.

Three verys.

I’d personally begin with completing five passes and work our way toward perfection from there.

The weird thing is I still don’t think Chattanooga is bad.

They can run.

The defense looks good.

But eventually someone is going to put eight people near the line and ask Chattanooga a very reasonable question:

Can you throw a football?

We await further information.

8. Samford (0-2)

Lost to Southern Illinois, 22-18

Progress!

Last week Samford rushed for negative-eight yards.

This week they rushed for 70.

That’s a 78-yard improvement.

At the current rate of progression, Samford will become 1995 Nebraska sometime around Halloween.

The Bulldogs were actually competitive this week.

They tied the game 15-15 late in the third quarter and had opportunities to win it.

They just couldn’t finish.

John Grass said afterward that his heart broke for his players because they were close.

I believe him.

Samford does look closer.

Unfortunately, college football continues using wins and losses instead of emotional proximity, so the Bulldogs are 0-2.

Still, this looked much more like a functional football team than the one that produced negative rushing yards against North Alabama.

Next up:

Tennessee Tech.

Please, Samford.

I don’t ask you for much.

Do something useful.

9. VMI (0-2)

Lost to Virginia Tech, 73-3

There was no football game in Blacksburg this weekend.

I checked.

Nothing happened.

VMI certainly did not trail 45-0 at halftime and lose 73-3.

Moving on.

The important thing is that I remain completely committed to VMI’s triple-option experiment.

Last week the Keydets ran for 229 yards and threw for 11.

Beautiful.

That’s football the way God intended: three yards, cloud of dust, occasional forward pass filed under emergency use only.

This week the experiment encountered several substantially larger human beings wearing Virginia Tech uniforms.

VMI passed for 87 yards while rushing for… -4.

Yes, I rushed for more yards than VMI.

Is it wrong for James Franklin to beat them this bad? Probably not.

Hoping they at least think of them for their service?

VMI gets Bucknell next.

That’s a much better opportunity to see if this offense can make the Keydets annoying in conference play.

I hope it does.

Every conference needs one team nobody wants to prepare for.

I want VMI to become that problem.

10. UNCG (0-0)

Undefeated.

Still haven’t allowed a point.

Two straight weeks.

Starting to feel sustainable.

11. Tennessee Tech (2-0)

Beat Chattanooga, 24-9

Tennessee Tech is 2-0.

There.

It’s in writing.

Last week’s 38-14 win over ranked Monmouth was good, but it looks less sexy.

Monmouth only beat Sacred Heart 31–24.

Who knows if they’re all that?

This week Tech beat Chattanooga 24-9.

Chattanooga threw for 37 yards.

Completed four passes.

Didn’t score a touchdown.

I’m not hanging a banner for this.

Tech itself had only 237 total yards and 76 rushing yards. The biggest difference was two Chattanooga interceptions, both of which became Tech touchdowns.

That’s not nothing.

It’s also not 1995 Nebraska.

Last week moved the needle on Tech.

This week mostly confirmed that Chattanooga desperately needs to discover the passing game.

Those are different things.

So Tech gets the win.

They get 2-0.

They get my acknowledgment that they’re probably a good football team…

But the jury is still out on them.

After reviewing all available evidence, Tennessee Tech moves from No. 11…

to No. 11.

UNCG remains undefeated.

What am I supposed to do? My hands are tied.

What Did We Learn?

ETSU won. Mims looks good.

Campbell is good.

Wake up.

Mercer’s quarterback used to be ETSU’s quarterback and was also responsible for the saddest I’ve ever been after a football game.

The Citadel lost to Wofford by 28 and then beat an FBS team.

Wofford is 2-0.

Nobody investigate how.

Western Carolina rushed for one yard and needs some time with the kicking net.

Furman survived Knoxville.

Chattanooga is still considering whether the forward pass is right for them.

Samford has discovered positive rushing yards.

VMI remains committed to football as God intended.

UNCG hasn’t allowed a point.

Tennessee Tech is 2-0.

We’ll reassess next week.

Except ETSU is No. 1.

UNCG is ahead of Tech.

Tech is last.

Those are constitutional.

What if I told you one of the most historic college golf programs in America wasn’t found in Austin, Stillwater, or Palo Alto?

What if I told you it was tucked away in the mountains of Northeast Tennessee, where a school with fewer than 15,000 students built a program that would challenge the biggest names in college golf?

This is the story of East Tennessee State University.

For more than five decades, ETSU has quietly become one of the most successful programs in collegiate golf history, winning 29 conference championships and putting together stretches of dominance that most programs only dream about. The Buccaneers captured five straight Southern Conference titles from 1979 through 1983, four more from 1989 through 1992, three consecutive championships from 1994 through 1996, another four from 1998 through 2001, three more from 2015 through 2017, and most recently won five consecutive Southern Conference championships from 2021 through 2025.

The brain behind this operation was legendary head coach Fred Warren. For nearly four decades, Warren built a program that ignored geography and didn’t really care about recruiting rankings. Instead it was about finding talent from around the world and turning ETSU into a national powerhouse. In 1996, the Bucs climbed to No. 1 in the nation, standing above college golf’s blue bloods. Here’s one of the coolest facts I have to share…They were ranked ahead of ahead of Tiger Woods’ Stanford Cardinal, previously Phil Mickelson’s Arizona State Sun Devils, and finished the season third at the NCAA Championship, one of the greatest accomplishments ever by a mid major program. The Bucs finished 3rd, which was one spot above Stanford. Tiger won the NCAA individual championship.

Then came the players.

One of Warren’s greatest discoveries was a young golfer from Waterford, Ireland named Seamus Power. He became one of the best players in school history before reaching the PGA Tour, where he won multiple tournaments and represented Ireland in the Olympic Games. Power has often credited ETSU and Coach Warren for changing the course of his life.

But perhaps the greatest story never actually happened.

In 2004, another teenager from Northern Ireland signed a National Letter of Intent to play golf at ETSU. His name was Rory McIlroy.

Before he ever stepped onto campus, his game exploded. He stayed in Europe, turned professional, and became one of the greatest golfers the sport has ever seen. Had he come to Johnson City, Rory McIlroy and Seamus Power would have worn the same Buccaneer uniform and played for the same coach.

A small school with a legendary coach.

Twenty nine conference championships.

A program that once stood above Tiger Woods.

… and the greatest recruit in school history who never played a single round.

That is the brief and unique story of ETSU Golf.

The Southern Conference Championship ended last night. Furman beat ETSU 76–61, cut the nets, climbed the ladder, and celebrated the way teams do when they just punched a ticket to the NCAA Tournament.

And roughly seven seconds later the real tournament began.

Twitter.

Because nothing activates the internet faster than a championship game loss. Within minutes the entire timeline turned into a fully staffed Division I front office. Recruiting coordinators appeared out of nowhere. Roster construction experts emerged from couches. Interestingly enough, there were even discussions of NIL.

“ETSU needs shooters.”

“They need size.”

“They need freshmen.”

“They need transfers.”

“They need more junk yard dogs.”

By midnight someone was probably drawing up a plan to recruit a 6’10 Serbian stretch four who can protect the rim, shoot 44 percent from three, and hasn’t smiled since he was 11.

Which brings us to one of psychology’s greatest gifts to sports discourse.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect.

For those unfamiliar, the Dunning-Kruger Effect says that people who know the least about something tend to be the most confident talking about it. It’s the phenomenon where someone who has once played JV basketball in 2007 suddenly becomes extremely certain about how a division one roster should be built.

“Just recruit better shooters.”

Of course.

Someone should really alert every coaching staff in America that the secret strategy is simply recruiting better players. An incredible oversight by the sport up until now.

Meanwhile, while the internet was busy redesigning ETSU’s recruiting board, something much simpler was happening on the floor.

Cooper Bowser was cooking.

Bowser started the game like someone accidentally turned the difficulty setting down. At one point he was something like 8-for-8 from the field. Not wild shots either. Just calm, patient, grown-man basketball. Turnaround jumper. Layup. Another layup. Putback. A post move that looked like it had been practiced ten thousand times.

It did not feel like a championship game at times. More of an instructive tutorial of how to score in the post.

Bowser finished with 21 points and 11 rebounds on 9-of-12 shooting, which is the statistical equivalent of politely ruining someone’s evening.

This Furman team shot 51 percent from the field, hit 10 threes, and out-rebounded ETSU 36–24. They led for 94 percent of the game. That’s execution.

But the funniest part of the entire result is what Furman was coming into this tournament.

They had the worst three-point percentage in the entire Southern Conference during the regular season. Dead last. Absolute brick factory. The kind of numbers that make coaches stare at the floor during film sessions.

Then the tournament started and Furman apparently remembered that shooting the ball through the hoop is allowed.

Suddenly they were the best three-point shooting team in the tournament.

Last night they went 10-for-26 from three.

Thirty-eight percent.

The basketball equivalent of someone who has been slicing drives into the woods all afternoon suddenly stepping up on 18 and piping one straight down the middle.

March does this every year. The team that can’t shoot suddenly can. The team that has been lights-out all season suddenly can’t buy one. Momentum flips, rhythm appears, and a roster that has been running the same offense together for years suddenly looks very comfortable in a single-elimination setting.

Meanwhile the other storyline here is ETSU.

Because let’s be honest about the larger season.

ETSU ran through the league.

They controlled it. They clinched the regular season title early. Freedom Hall was packed. The defense suffocated people. The offense hummed for long stretches. For most of the winter they looked like the most complete team in the conference.

But seasons are long.

And if you zoom in on the final few weeks, the Bucs had started wobbling just a little bit. A couple losses. Some offensive stretches that felt sticky. Nothing catastrophic, just enough to remind everyone that momentum in college basketball has a funny way of shifting.

Then March arrives.

Furman gets hot.

A freshman scores 28 points in one half and shots start falling.

And suddenly the worst shooting team in the conference becomes the hottest shooting team in the tournament.

That’s not something you solve with a recruiting tweet.

That’s just college basketball.

Of course, none of this will slow down the Dunning-Kruger Tournament currently unfolding online. Round one is always “we need shooters.” Round two becomes “we need freshmen.” Round three usually involves someone posting a screenshot of a 6’11 Latvian wing averaging 5.3 points in a European league and asking if he has eligibility left.

Meanwhile the reality is much simpler.

Furman got hot.

Cooper Bowser dominated.

The threes fell.

And March decided something again.

Furman cut the nets.

The Paladins are going dancing.

And somewhere on the internet a man who once missed two free throws at church league is confidently typing:

“Honestly we just need a 6’9 wing who shoots 45 percent from three and guards four positions.”

Of course.

Those are everywhere.

Congrats to Furman. Make the SoCon proud.

Semifinal Sunday in Asheville delivered exactly what this tournament usually does. One comeback that makes the building shake and one player who catches absolute fire.

By the end of the night the matchup for Monday’s Southern Conference Championship was set.

ETSU vs Furman.

But the paths they took to get there looked very different.

ETSU’s game felt like it was slipping away early. Western Carolina controlled the first half and built a 14 point halftime lead, looking like the more comfortable team while the Bucs struggled to find any rhythm.

There was also a moment early that quietly lingered through the rest of the game. Marcus Kell picked up a cheap flagrant foul on Blake Barkley in the first half, the kind of play that sticks in a player’s memory. Barkley didn’t explode right away. In fact, he was fairly quiet offensively for most of the night.

But ETSU slowly started chipping away.

A Jaylen Smith three helped cut into the lead, and later Brian Taylor II knocked down a transition three that brought the Bucs within four with under seven minutes left. The crowd started to lean forward a little more with every possession.

Then the final minutes arrived.

Barkley caught fire and went on a personal 11–2 run that completely flipped the game. Free throws. A layup. A third chance bucket. And finally a three point play that gave ETSU the lead with just over a minute left.

Western Carolina never recovered.

The Catamounts did not make a field goal for the final 8 minutes and 50 seconds, and Marcus Kell’s final desperation shot caught the side of the rim as ETSU escaped with a 69–67 win.

Brian Taylor II led the Bucs with 22 points, while Barkley added 19 and ETSU shot 62 percent from the field in the second half to pull off one of the biggest comebacks of their season.

On the other side of the bracket, Furman’s path was much simpler.

Alex Wilkins turned into a flamethrower.

Wilkins finished with 34 points, shooting 10–17 from the field, 4–7 from three, and 10–10 from the free throw line. Every time UNCG tried to climb back into the game, Wilkins had an answer waiting.

Cooper Bowser quietly added 14 points on a perfect 6–6 shooting night, helping Furman ride a red hot offensive performance to an 81–75 win.

Which sets up Monday night.

ETSU vs Furman for the Southern Conference championship in Asheville.

The Bucs come in with the confidence of a team that just erased a 17 point deficit. Furman arrives behind a scorer who just dropped 34 in a semifinal.

There’s also one other detail worth mentioning.

ETSU swept Furman in the regular season.

Of course this is Asheville, where regular season logic tends to disappear the moment the tournament starts.

But after Sunday’s games, one thing feels certain.

Monday night should be fun.

Saturday in Asheville gave us exactly what the Southern Conference Tournament usually provides. One top seed taking care of business, a couple of upsets, and one comeback that made the late game feel like March.

Let’s go in order.

ETSU 83, The Citadel 76

ETSU got on the board 11 seconds into the game, which felt like a sign the top seed might cruise.

Instead, The Citadel hung around most of the afternoon. The Bulldogs even grabbed a brief lead late in the first half before ETSU settled in and went to the locker room up 36-32.

The difference came in the second half when the Bucs simply started making everything. ETSU shot 67% after halftime, and Blake Barkley led the way with 24 points on 10-of-11 shooting.

The Citadel fought hard, but ETSU’s efficiency eventually created just enough separation to move on.

Takeaway: The Bucs didn’t dominate, but they looked like the deeper and more talented team once the game settled down.

UNC Greensboro 75, Wofford 72

The first upset of the day came in game two.

UNCG’s Justin Neely put together one of the most ridiculous stat lines you’ll see in a tournament game: 22 points and 24 rebounds. Yes, 24.

The Spartans controlled the glass all afternoon and stayed within striking distance until the final minute, where they closed the game on a 5-2 run to knock off the two seed.

Takeaway: When one player grabs nearly two dozen rebounds, weird things tend to happen.

Furman 86, Samford 81

This one felt like a heavyweight fight most of the night.

Samford’s Jadin Booth, the SoCon Player of the Year, scored 34 points and hit eight threes, which normally wins you a tournament game.

Furman responded with depth.

The Paladins’ bench outscored Samford 48-6, and Tom House led the way with 20 points off the bench. Furman then iced the game at the free throw line in the final minute.

Takeaway: Booth was spectacular, but Furman’s depth and late-game composure made the difference.

Western Carolina 77, Mercer 73

The nightcap delivered the comeback.

Mercer built a 17-point lead in the first half, but Western Carolina slowly chipped away and completely flipped the game with effort on the glass.

The Catamounts finished with 53 rebounds compared to Mercer’s 29, including 25 offensive rebounds, which gave them possession after possession down the stretch.

Eventually the extra chances caught up to Mercer and Western completed the rally.

Takeaway: When you win the rebounding battle 53-29, you’re going to give yourself a chance.

Sunday’s Semifinals

Two games remain before Monday night’s championship.

ETSU vs Western Carolina

It’s rematch of the 2020 semifinals. This time it’s a different story. The Catamounts are hot, but ETSU’s offense and depth should eventually take control if the shoot well from deep.

Prediction: ETSU advances in a barn burner.

Furman vs UNC Greensboro

This one feels like the toss-up. Furman has experience and depth, but UNCG has the most dominant player left in the tournament if Justin Neely controls the glass again. Will we see a 7 seed in the finals again?

Prediction: Greensboro in a close one.

Four teams remain.

And Asheville is officially in full March modev.

I did not realize we were all enrolled this week in a graduate seminar titled Advanced Net Cutting Etiquette and Moral Philosophy.

But apparently we are.

ETSU won the Southern Conference regular season championship.

Outright.

With two games to spare.

No calculators. No chaos. No scoreboard watching.

It’s Senior Night and the final home game.

They cut the nets, and my Twitter timeline reacts like Michigan just lost to App State again.

“But they lost.”

“You don’t cut nets after a loss.”

“Act like you’ve been there before.”

Ya know what’s funny?

We lost a game and STILL were champs. The outcome DID NOT MATTER.

That’s the part melting brains.

The loss didn’t change the standings. Didn’t change the banner. Didn’t change the trophy. The league was already clinched. Outright. With two games left.

I’m begging everyone to hydrate.

Apparently the new rule in Net Cutting Etiquette says the final box score must perfectly align with the scissors. If you clinch early but drop the last home game, you’re supposed to politely jog off the floor and schedule a more aesthetically pleasing celebration later.

That’s not how this works.

And this isn’t new.

In 2020, ETSU clinched the regular season at home against Western Carolina and cut the nets then too. Nobody called a press conference about it. Nobody demanded ceremonial reform. It was normal because it was masked by Patrick Good’s insane comeback. If we had lost that game we would have STILL had ladders out.

Because as a mid-major, this is what you do when you win your league.

Gonzaga just clinched a share of their conference title and cut the nets. A share. Not even the outright yet. And somehow the scissors police are silent.

And let’s not ignore the obvious.

It was Senior Night.

The last time those guys walk off that floor in the regular season. You don’t tell seniors, “Sorry, can you come back Wednesday at 2 PM so we can cut the nets in a quieter emotional setting?”

You celebrate what you earned.

At home.

In front of your fans.

Here’s my last point and where it gets even funnier.

The same people spiraling about ceremonial etiquette are going to look up next week in Asheville and see exactly what they see every single year:

Blue and gold everywhere.

ETSU will still have the most fans in the building. Like they do every time. Freedom Hall East. It’s not arrogance. It’s attendance history.

Are we adding fuel to the fire by saying that?

Absolutely.

Will it matter when the Cherokee Center feels like Johnson City East?

We will see.

They won the league.

They won it outright.

They won it early.

They lost a game that didn’t matter.

They celebrated anyway.

If that breaks Net Cutting Etiquette, I guess we’ll keep being rude.

See you in Asheville.

As the regular season winds down, there’s a very specific feeling that settles in.

It’s not just bracket anticipation.
It’s not just “who’s peaking at the right time?”

It’s Asheville.

March 5–9. The mountains. The Harrah’s Cherokee Center. The place where every fan base suddenly remembers that one shot, that one run, that one year that “felt different.”

But here’s the part no one talks about enough:

You don’t just appear in Asheville.

You have to get there.

No one in this league casually “heads up for the weekend.” You pack a cooler like you’re driving cross-country. You argue about who could make a run for 90 miles. You pass the same Buc-ee’s billboard six times and debate stopping every single time. Someone brings up 2020. Someone says this year feels eerily similar. Nobody agrees on anything.

By the time you see the mountains, you’ve already lived a full emotional arc.

And somewhere on that drive, you lock eyes with something that shouldn’t exist.

So let’s rank it.

From perfectly normal…

To “how did this receive funding?”

ETSU- Little Switzerland

ETSU’s drive to Asheville doesn’t allow for much nonsense. It’s just mountains tightening around you and guardrails doing their best.

But then you see the sign.

Little Switzerland.

A Swiss-themed mountain village in North Carolina that feels like someone in 1910 stared at the Blue Ridge for five minutes and confidently said, “Close enough.”

It’s charming. Scenic. Slightly European for no reason.

You grab coffee. You take a photo. You breathe mountain air and pretend this is completely standard behavior before attending a mid-major basketball tournament.

It’s not chaotic weird.

It’s composed weird.

This is our baseline.

Furman- The Shoeless Joe Jackson Museum

Before even leaving Greenville, Furman fans can stop at the restored home of Shoeless Joe Jackson, located near Fluor Field.

It’s quaint. It’s thoughtful. It’s baseball history tucked into a quiet neighborhood. You walk through rooms filled with memorabilia and stories from one of the most famous and controversial players in American sports history.

Shoeless Joe Jackson, by the way, is also what I once called my friend Jake Hickman when he drunkenly lost a shoe at a Nashville Predators game.

Different era. Same nickname.

The museum itself is niche, but in a refined way. Very Furman. You stop in, absorb some history, maybe say “that’s actually really cool,” and continue your drive feeling slightly more cultured than you were 20 minutes earlier.

We are still composed.

For now.

UNCG- The Giant Coffee Pot

Somewhere along I-40 sits a structure shaped like a massive coffee pot.

Not “inspired by.”
Not “coffee-adjacent.”

A literal coffee pot.

In 1858, this coffee pot was produced to be symbolic of a local coffee shop in Winston-Salem, NC (I didn’t realize they had coffee shops in the 1800s… were there baristas?). This is now looked to be a symbol of hospitality and an unofficial symbol of the city.

It’s wholesome. It’s photogenic. It’s fully committed to the bit.

You stop, you laugh, you say “that’s awesome,” and you move on.

We are still grounded in reality.

For now.

Western Carolina- Jadaculla Rock

Just outside Sylva, NC, along Caney Fork Road, sits Judaculla Rock… a massive boulder covered in ancient Cherokee petroglyphs.

This one hits different.

It’s sacred. It’s historic. It’s been here long before any of us debated NET rankings or which 12 seed can make a run in the tournament.

You pull off expecting something small, and instead you find symbols carved into stone centuries ago. You read the historical marker. You lower your voice a little. Things get serious.

You don’t joke here.

It’s unexpected.

It’s grounding.

For a few minutes, the drive feels bigger than basketball.

Wofford- Mystery Hill

Now this one is a bit of a detour… who cares? We’re LEANIN’.

In Blowing Rock, NC, just off US-321, sits Mystery Hill.

Don’t kid yourself, I literally know you’ve seen the billboards.

The billboard says “GRAVITY DEFIED.” And it’s not talking about the Broadway musical.

Inside, nothing behaves correctly.

Balls roll uphill. The floors are tilted just enough to make you walk slower than usual. You stand in a crooked cabin pretending this makes sense.

You tell yourself it’s an optical illusion.

It might be.

But your legs disagree.

It’s not threatening.

It’s just… destabilizing.

We’ve officially entered controlled chaos.

UTC- Road to Nowhere

Lakeview Drive in Bryson City, NC was supposed to be part of a larger highway project.

It wasn’t finished.

Now it simply ends at a tunnel carved into a mountain.

You can drive through the tunnel. On the other side? No continuation of pavement. No grand reveal. Just hiking trails, trees, and quiet.

The road just… stops.

It’s peaceful. It’s strange. It feels like an unfinished sentence.

There’s no gift shop. No dramatic signage. Just a stretch of asphalt that ran out of ambition.

You stand there a little longer than you planned to.

You think about how this was supposed to go somewhere.

We are drifting.

Samford- The Museum of the House Cat

“Here kitty kitty.. Heeere kitty kitty”

This is exactly what it sounds like.

A museum. Dedicated entirely. To cats.

Located in Waynesville, NC, it houses thousands of cat-related artifacts, figurines, paintings, porcelain, antiques.

It is now a public institution.

You enter ironically.

You leave knowing more about feline porcelain than you ever intended.

We are now deep in niche territory.

Mercer – Expedition: Bigfoot! The Sasquatch Museum

If you’re driving up from Macon toward the mountains, you eventually pass through Blue Ridge, Georgia.

And that’s when things take a turn.

Because sitting right there off US-515 is a full museum dedicated entirely to Bigfoot.

Not folklore in general.
Not “mysterious Appalachian creatures.”

Just Bigfoot.

There are footprint casts. There are framed photos that look like they were taken with a flip phone in 2007. There are informational displays that say things like “evidence” with a straight face.

And honestly?

The confidence is admirable.

You walk in joking.

You leave slightly unsure.

This is not a subtle roadside stop. This is a building that says, “We believe,” and then sells you a Sasquatch t-shirt.

The Citadel- The Peachoid

Somewhere along I-85 in Gaffney, South Carolina, the horizon changes.

At first you think it’s a planet.

Then you realize it’s fruit.

The Peachoid is a 135-foot water tower shaped like a peach, and it does not ease into your field of vision. It emerges. It looms. It announces itself like infrastructure with confidence issues.

There is nothing subtle about it.

It is round. It is elevated. It is aggressively peach.

You don’t “notice” the Peachoid.

You experience it.

Cars slow down. Conversations pause. Someone in the backseat says, “Is that what I think it is?”

Yes. Yes it is.

We are no longer in postcard territory.

We are in fruit monument territory.

Stability is fading.

VMI- Foamhenge

I’ve been so excited for this one.

There it is… Foamhenge.

In Natural Bridge, VA, (yes you’ve heard of it) there’s a full-scale replica of Stonehenge. Made entirely of foam.

Not a small tribute. Not a roadside nod. A life-size recreation of one of the most mysterious monuments on earth, constructed with what appears to be packing material and determination.

It’s surprisingly accurate, which somehow makes it stranger. The stones stand in their circle with complete seriousness, as if ancient Druids once gathered there, except the Druids were made of Styrofoam too. You walk around it trying to decide whether this is genius, satire, or both, and eventually you stop asking questions because the commitment is undeniable.

This is the far end of the spectrum. We started in a charming Swiss mountain village. We end with prehistoric England reimagined in foam on the side of a Virginia road.

By the time you’re driving toward Asheville after this, you’ve already accepted that normal left the highway miles ago.

And that’s exactly how it should end.

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By the time every fan base rolls into Asheville, we’ve collectively driven through a Swiss mountain village, saluted a coffee pot, stood quietly at ancient petroglyphs, contemplated baseball history, defied gravity, stared into a tunnel that leads nowhere, wandered through a cat museum, entertained the possibility of Bigfoot, paused beneath a 135-foot peach, and circled a foam recreation of prehistoric England.

And then we sit inside the Harrah’s Cherokee Center like this is a normal basketball tournament.

That’s the beauty of it.

The Southern Conference Tournament isn’t just something you attend. It’s something you travel to. You earn it in miles, in gas station coffee, in billboards that promise things they absolutely deliver.

By the time the ball tips on March 5, the chaos has already happened. The arguments have been made. The photos have been taken. The group chat has receipts.

The games are just the final act.

Because in this league, the road to Asheville isn’t a formality.

It’s part of the story.

And somehow, every mile makes it better.

I stumbled across a poll where Southern Conference coaches ranked the best jobs in the league. Which is fascinating. That’s like asking surgeons who has the steadiest hands. Of course everyone’s going to answer with confidence. No one’s raising their hand to say, “Yeah, mine’s a little shaky.”

Anyway, if it were up to me, which in this space it absolutely is, we would rank these Southern Conference jobs the way the American people were meant to rank things.

As fast food chains.

Because if you really want to test structure, ceiling, and cultural gravity, send it through a drive-thru at 12:43 a.m. after a night out at Tiptons in downtown JC.

1. ETSU Bucs- Chick-fil-A

Efficient. Structured. Terrifying in how smooth it runs.

Lose half the staff mid-shift? Still processing cars at record speed.

Lost Karon Boyd, SoCon DPOY.
Lost Quimari Peterson, SoCon POY.
Lost Jaden Seymour, 1st-team all-SoCon.
Lost John Buggs III after he was on pace to break the single season 3-point record.

They lost half their talent, introduced a honey-pimento chicken sandwich, and the drive-thru never slowed down. Regular season champs.

There is support. There is pressure. You expect them to be good. Freedom Hall has had lines wrapped around it the same way cars wrap around the drive-thru.

Closed on Sundays. Open for banners.

2. Furman Paladins- Panera Bread

This one is easy. Private school energy. Clean fonts. Intentional hardwood floors.

There’s no grease, literally anywhere.

That’s Furman.

They have a brand-new arena, the system is refined, and the branding is polished. When it’s clicking, like during their NCAA tournament run, it feels nationally relevant. You walk in and think, this is a serious operation.

Bob Richey has been there a while now, and that matters. Stability matters. The job doesn’t feel volatile. It feels cultivated. If he ever left, there would be a line of candidates out the door. Not because it’s chaotic, but because it’s well built.

Panera wins when alignment is right. Good ingredients. Clear identity. Strong culture. Look back at their 2019-2020 “ingredients”. They had Noah Gurley, Jalen Slawson, Clay Mounce, Jordan Lyons… They had Mike Bothwell coming off the bench!

It’s not industrial. It’s not always terrifying.

It’s just consistently good.

3. Wofford Terriers- Five Guys

High-quality burgers and sustained success.

They’ve developed pros. They’ve won across coaching eras. They don’t chase gimmicks (although they had a dude shoot free-throws granny-style).

And let’s not pretend they didn’t serve one of the greatest meals in conference history. They had a 30-win team with Fletcher Magee, the best shooter the league has ever seen. He shot better than the likes of Stephen Curry! That wasn’t a good burger. That was generational grease.

Ranking them sixth (like the poll did) is like saying, “Yeah, Five Guys is solid.”

No. It’s elite at what it does. It just doesn’t advertise loudly.

Top three burger in the league.

4. Chattanooga Mocs- McAlister’s Deli

Strong regional presence. Elite sweet tea. Comfortable.

You walk in and think, “Yeah, this makes sense.”

When it’s humming, like when Matt McCall went 29–6 and they felt nationally relevant, the line is out the door. People are talking. The strip mall feels important.

McAlister’s has served their baked spuds for as long as I can remember. This reminds me of how UTC somehow kept David Jean-Baptiste around for what seemed like ten years. Their spuds were good. Baptiste was elite.

UTC can be really good. They literally won the NIT last year… but McAlister’s isn’t restructuring the fast-food economy. But they are 6-10 in the conference right now. I can’t put them in the top-3 because of this. They have Dan Earl, there will literally be case studies of how he won at VMI, and they’re somehow 8th in the conference.

Nonetheless, it’s respected. It’s well-run.

It’s just not industrial-level terrifying right now.

5. UNC-Greensboro Spartans- Wendy’s

Before you hyperventilate, don’t think I’m dissing Wendy’s this soon.

Right now, they’re down. They used to have the national familiarity of the 4 for $4. Francis Alonso, James Dickey, Isaiah Miller, and Jordy Kuiper. Their version of the 4 for $4 won the conference and punched people in the mouth while doing it.

UNCG has what it takes to be a top-2 job in this league. Ask Wes Miller! They had to move home games to the Coliseum because they couldn’t fit any fans in their on-campus gym! They do not have football, so when they are good, all the attention is on basketball.

When it’s clicking, it’s physical and disruptive. You don’t enjoy playing it.

Not trending wildly upward right now, but the bones are strong.

6. Samford Bulldogs- Raising Cane’s

Suddenly everywhere. Fast. Energetic. People talk about it.

When their product is good, it’s GOOD.

When Bucky Ball was in full throttle under Bucky McMillan, it was pure energy. Pressing for 40 minutes. Deep lines. Sauce everywhere.

That 2023–24 NCAA Tournament team with Achor Achor, Jadin Booth, and Jermaine Marshall was peak momentum. You blinked and they’d hung 90. They got hosed by the refs against Kansas btw…

Now? The brand is still there. The identity is still tied to that chaos. But we’ll see if the line stays wrapped around the building without consistent results.

7. Mercer Bears- Bojangles

Regional pride. Capable of surprising you.

Under Bob Hoffman, you were basically penciling in a technical foul before tipoff. Especially when he walked into Freedom Hall. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has elevated blood pressure issues.

And let’s not forget, this is the program that beat Duke in the NCAA Tournament. Fourteen seed. They were in the A-Sun at the time. Who cares.

They were also in the SoCon finals not too long ago. Close enough to taste it.

Bojangles isn’t restructuring the fast-food economy.

But every once in a while, it punches a blue blood in the mouth. All you need is one Bo-berry biscuit to elevate things.

8. Western Carolina Catamounts- Hardee’s

It’s definitely still around and throws an occasional haymaker to shake things up.

Geographically tricky. It’s hard to build sustained dominance from where it sits. You’re recruiting uphill. Literally.

When Coach Prosner was there and Cole Spivey was on staff, they were a very good team. In other leagues, they could have won a title. The only issue was that the SoCon was insane.

They’ve been close. Competitive. Hanging around the conversation without quite breaking through.

Hardee’s isn’t flashy.

But every now and then, it absolutely connects (like how they swept ETSU).

9. The Citadel Bulldogs- Jersey Mike’s

Disciplined and structured, built on standards and execution. There’s a system, and you operate inside it. You seldom freelance, and there is not a lot improvising with the employees breathing down your neck.

Why do I always let the scrawny 17 year-old employee get to me when he is asking me how I want my sub…? “I’ll have it Mike’s Way… sir.”

When everything is aligned, it can absolutely compete. But it’s not built for chaos or market domination. It’s built for order.

You respect it. You understand the constraints. You absolutely know they will give their all.

You just know the ceiling isn’t super high.

10. VMI Keydets- That one Dairy Queen attached to a gas station.

Jake Stephens, if you are reading this, I am sorry.

Every time I see one of these Dairy Queens, I wonder how they keep finding employees. I think the same thing about VMI fielding twelve athletes who want to continue their basketball careers inside that structure.

When Dan Earl won there, it was like discovering gourmet food inside a convenience store freezer. You did not think it was possible. And yet there it was.

Winning in Lexington, VA requires creativity, toughness, and a tolerance for structural difficulty that 99% of programs will never face.

Difficulty level: expert mode.

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Now here is the part that matters.

Coaches ranking jobs is like restaurant owners voting on the best chains. Yes, they understand operations. No, they are not voting for the place that just stole their customers.

And sure, none of this matters if Chick-fil-A slips and loses to an overachieving Bojangles in Asheville, but that is the SoCon.

Across a full season, consistency wins, and the most reliable operation in the league probably should not be third.

Unless that is exactly where the rest of the drive thru wants it.