Southern Comfort

I stumbled across a poll where Southern Conference coaches ranked the best jobs in the league. Which is fascinating. That’s like asking surgeons who has the steadiest hands. Of course everyone’s going to answer with confidence. No one’s raising their hand to say, “Yeah, mine’s a little shaky.”

Anyway, if it were up to me, which in this space it absolutely is, we would rank these Southern Conference jobs the way the American people were meant to rank things.

As fast food chains.

Because if you really want to test structure, ceiling, and cultural gravity, send it through a drive-thru at 12:43 a.m. after a night out at Tiptons in downtown JC.

1. ETSU Bucs- Chick-fil-A

Efficient. Structured. Terrifying in how smooth it runs.

Lose half the staff mid-shift? Still processing cars at record speed.

Lost Karon Boyd, SoCon DPOY.
Lost Quimari Peterson, SoCon POY.
Lost Jaden Seymour, 1st-team all-SoCon.
Lost John Buggs III after he was on pace to break the single season 3-point record.

They lost half their talent, introduced a honey-pimento chicken sandwich, and the drive-thru never slowed down. Regular season champs.

There is support. There is pressure. You expect them to be good. Freedom Hall has had lines wrapped around it the same way cars wrap around the drive-thru.

Closed on Sundays. Open for banners.

2. Furman Paladins- Panera Bread

This one is easy. Private school energy. Clean fonts. Intentional hardwood floors.

There’s no grease, literally anywhere.

That’s Furman.

They have a brand-new arena, the system is refined, and the branding is polished. When it’s clicking, like during their NCAA tournament run, it feels nationally relevant. You walk in and think, this is a serious operation.

Bob Richey has been there a while now, and that matters. Stability matters. The job doesn’t feel volatile. It feels cultivated. If he ever left, there would be a line of candidates out the door. Not because it’s chaotic, but because it’s well built.

Panera wins when alignment is right. Good ingredients. Clear identity. Strong culture. Look back at their 2019-2020 “ingredients”. They had Noah Gurley, Jalen Slawson, Clay Mounce, Jordan Lyons… They had Mike Bothwell coming off the bench!

It’s not industrial. It’s not always terrifying.

It’s just consistently good.

3. Wofford Terriers- Five Guys

High-quality burgers and sustained success.

They’ve developed pros. They’ve won across coaching eras. They don’t chase gimmicks (although they had a dude shoot free-throws granny-style).

And let’s not pretend they didn’t serve one of the greatest meals in conference history. They had a 30-win team with Fletcher Magee, the best shooter the league has ever seen. He shot better than the likes of Stephen Curry! That wasn’t a good burger. That was generational grease.

Ranking them sixth (like the poll did) is like saying, “Yeah, Five Guys is solid.”

No. It’s elite at what it does. It just doesn’t advertise loudly.

Top three burger in the league.

4. Chattanooga Mocs- McAlister’s Deli

Strong regional presence. Elite sweet tea. Comfortable.

You walk in and think, “Yeah, this makes sense.”

When it’s humming, like when Matt McCall went 29–6 and they felt nationally relevant, the line is out the door. People are talking. The strip mall feels important.

McAlister’s has served their baked spuds for as long as I can remember. This reminds me of how UTC somehow kept David Jean-Baptiste around for what seemed like ten years. Their spuds were good. Baptiste was elite.

UTC can be really good. They literally won the NIT last year… but McAlister’s isn’t restructuring the fast-food economy. But they are 6-10 in the conference right now. I can’t put them in the top-3 because of this. They have Dan Earl, there will literally be case studies of how he won at VMI, and they’re somehow 8th in the conference.

Nonetheless, it’s respected. It’s well-run.

It’s just not industrial-level terrifying right now.

5. UNC-Greensboro Spartans- Wendy’s

Before you hyperventilate, don’t think I’m dissing Wendy’s this soon.

Right now, they’re down. They used to have the national familiarity of the 4 for $4. Francis Alonso, James Dickey, Isaiah Miller, and Jordy Kuiper. Their version of the 4 for $4 won the conference and punched people in the mouth while doing it.

UNCG has what it takes to be a top-2 job in this league. Ask Wes Miller! They had to move home games to the Coliseum because they couldn’t fit any fans in their on-campus gym! They do not have football, so when they are good, all the attention is on basketball.

When it’s clicking, it’s physical and disruptive. You don’t enjoy playing it.

Not trending wildly upward right now, but the bones are strong.

6. Samford Bulldogs- Raising Cane’s

Suddenly everywhere. Fast. Energetic. People talk about it.

When their product is good, it’s GOOD.

When Bucky Ball was in full throttle under Bucky McMillan, it was pure energy. Pressing for 40 minutes. Deep lines. Sauce everywhere.

That 2023–24 NCAA Tournament team with Achor Achor, Jadin Booth, and Jermaine Marshall was peak momentum. You blinked and they’d hung 90. They got hosed by the refs against Kansas btw…

Now? The brand is still there. The identity is still tied to that chaos. But we’ll see if the line stays wrapped around the building without consistent results.

7. Mercer Bears- Bojangles

Regional pride. Capable of surprising you.

Under Bob Hoffman, you were basically penciling in a technical foul before tipoff. Especially when he walked into Freedom Hall. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has elevated blood pressure issues.

And let’s not forget, this is the program that beat Duke in the NCAA Tournament. Fourteen seed. They were in the A-Sun at the time. Who cares.

They were also in the SoCon finals not too long ago. Close enough to taste it.

Bojangles isn’t restructuring the fast-food economy.

But every once in a while, it punches a blue blood in the mouth. All you need is one Bo-berry biscuit to elevate things.

8. Western Carolina Catamounts- Hardee’s

It’s definitely still around and throws an occasional haymaker to shake things up.

Geographically tricky. It’s hard to build sustained dominance from where it sits. You’re recruiting uphill. Literally.

When Coach Prosner was there and Cole Spivey was on staff, they were a very good team. In other leagues, they could have won a title. The only issue was that the SoCon was insane.

They’ve been close. Competitive. Hanging around the conversation without quite breaking through.

Hardee’s isn’t flashy.

But every now and then, it absolutely connects (like how they swept ETSU).

9. The Citadel Bulldogs- Jersey Mike’s

Disciplined and structured, built on standards and execution. There’s a system, and you operate inside it. You seldom freelance, and there is not a lot improvising with the employees breathing down your neck.

Why do I always let the scrawny 17 year-old employee get to me when he is asking me how I want my sub…? “I’ll have it Mike’s Way… sir.”

When everything is aligned, it can absolutely compete. But it’s not built for chaos or market domination. It’s built for order.

You respect it. You understand the constraints. You absolutely know they will give their all.

You just know the ceiling isn’t super high.

10. VMI Keydets- That one Dairy Queen attached to a gas station.

Jake Stephens, if you are reading this, I am sorry.

Every time I see one of these Dairy Queens, I wonder how they keep finding employees. I think the same thing about VMI fielding twelve athletes who want to continue their basketball careers inside that structure.

When Dan Earl won there, it was like discovering gourmet food inside a convenience store freezer. You did not think it was possible. And yet there it was.

Winning in Lexington, VA requires creativity, toughness, and a tolerance for structural difficulty that 99% of programs will never face.

Difficulty level: expert mode.

---

Now here is the part that matters.

Coaches ranking jobs is like restaurant owners voting on the best chains. Yes, they understand operations. No, they are not voting for the place that just stole their customers.

And sure, none of this matters if Chick-fil-A slips and loses to an overachieving Bojangles in Asheville, but that is the SoCon.

Across a full season, consistency wins, and the most reliable operation in the league probably should not be third.

Unless that is exactly where the rest of the drive thru wants it.