College football is back, which means after approximately 60 minutes of evidence I am prepared to make several conclusions about the Southern Conference.

Western Carolina may be very good. Wofford remembered how to play football. Chattanooga continues to be Chattanooga. ETSU may have found its quarterback while simultaneously misplacing its defense.

Tennessee Tech also beat a ranked team by 24 points.

We’ll deal with that later.

Technically, most of this happened during “Week 0,” which is apparently the week before Week 1 despite everyone already playing a football game. This makes perfect sense.

Let’s rank some teams.

1. ETSU (0-1)

Lost to Campbell, 49-37

Before we discuss anything else, can ETSU fans relax?

I was forced to unfollow ETSU Barstool after they started coming after Will Healy following this game. We’re doing this already? After one game?

Come on.

Campbell went 2-10 last season, so I understand why giving up 49 points to them immediately caused panic. But that record is misleading. The Camels played seven one-score games last year and went 1-6 in them. They led in the 4th quarter in seven of their losses. They were a few bounces away from looking like a completely different football team.

Now, does that excuse ETSU’s defense?

No.

Kamden Sixkiller threw for 343 yards, ran for another 95 and accounted for four touchdowns. The defense was bad. We can acknowledge that without conducting a referendum on Will Healy’s employment after 60 minutes.

Even Healy seemed somewhat confused by what he had just witnessed. When discussing some of the defensive breakdowns afterward, including a fourth-and-11 conversion, he described having a couple stops followed by moments of basically, “Holy cow, how does that happen?”

Correct.

I have completed my film study and arrived at the same conclusion.

Holy cow, how does that happen?

Because offensively, there was a lot to like.

Mason Mims went 33-of-41 for 373 yards and two touchdowns in his first collegiate start, setting an ETSU single-game record for completions. The Bucs finished with 528 yards, and the skill-position talent looks every bit as good as advertised.

ETSU also fought back from 42-24 in the fourth and made it 42-37, which sent me through the complete ETSU emotional cycle in about ten minutes.

“This is over.”

“Wait.”

“Hold on.”

“We’re winning this game.”

Campbell then drove 74 yards and scored.

Never mind.

So yes, I’m concerned about the defense. I’m also very encouraged by Mims and this offense, and I’m not ready to lose my mind over one game against a Campbell team that may end up making this loss look considerably less embarrassing.

Everybody relax.

ETSU remains No. 1. Obviously.

2. Western Carolina (1-0)

Beat Eastern Kentucky, 45-21

I regret to inform everyone that Western Carolina appears to be doing the thing again.

Eastern Kentucky actually led 14-10 at halftime.

Everything was fine.

Then Western scored 35 points in the second half.

Lex Thomas, making his first start, threw for 320 yards and three touchdowns and added another touchdown on the ground. Western finished with 508 yards of offense and didn’t turn the ball over.

This wasn’t against a Division II team brought to Cullowhee to collect a check and leave. EKU is a legitimate FCS program. Western just dismantled them after halftime.

There were 13,482 people there, too, the 10th-largest crowd in stadium history. They got to see the renovated facilities, new playing surface, new lights and, unfortunately, a very good football team.

My biggest concern is that Western appears capable of replacing quarterbacks without changing much of anything.

I was hoping there would be some sort of mandatory rebuilding period after Cole Gonzales.

Apparently Kerwin Bell simply inserted Lex Thomas into the machine and pressed START.

Thomas promptly won SoCon Offensive Player of the Week.

Great.

Western is going to score a lot of points.

I don’t like it. Cole loves it.

3. Wofford (1-0, 1-0 SoCon)

Beat The Citadel, 42-14

Excuse me?

Wofford scored 42 points.

Not against Presbyterian. Not against a Division II school. Against an actual Southern Conference opponent.

The Terriers led 21-0 at halftime and 35-7 after three quarters. Gerald Modest Jr. ran for 105 yards and two touchdowns, J.T. Fayard threw two touchdowns, and freshman Davis Penn returned a blocked punt for another score.

This was not a weird game where The Citadel turned it over seven times and Wofford accidentally won by 28.

Wofford just beat them.

Badly.

Head coach Shawn Watson summed it up afterward by saying they “executed really well.”

That is the type of detailed football analysis I come here for.

I checked the score again.

He is correct.

I’m not ready to declare the Terriers a championship contender after one game, particularly because the team on the other sideline may also have contributed to this result. But Wofford has spent several years trying to figure out exactly what Wofford football is supposed to look like again.

Scoring 42 points in the opener seems like a decent place to start.

Also, The Citadel is already 0-1 in Southern Conference play.

It is August.

Imagine waiting nine months for football to return and already having a conference loss before Labor Day.

That’s unfortunate.

4. Chattanooga (1-0)

Beat West Georgia, 24-10

Chattanooga went on the road and produced the most Chattanooga football game imaginable.

Run the ball. Play defense. Control the clock. Go home.

Kevin Lalin carried the football 30 times for 128 yards.

Thirty carries.

It is August.

I hope Kevin got to sit in the front seat of the bus on the way home.

The Mocs actually trailed 7-3 at halftime before Battle Alberson hit Ashton Schumann for a 72-yard touchdown on the second play of the third quarter. West Georgia tied it, Chattanooga responded with another touchdown drive, and Lalin eventually finished things off in the fourth.

The defense was probably the most impressive part. West Georgia finished with only 38 rushing yards, and Chattanooga controlled the football for almost 37 minutes.

There is nothing particularly sexy about any of this.

That’s Chattanooga.

They’ll run the ball, tackle you and somehow arrive in November with seven wins while everyone in the conference says, “I really don’t want to play Chattanooga.”

Speaking of teams that now have to play Chattanooga…

We’ll get there.

5. Mercer (1-0)

Beat East Texas A&M, 23-15

Mercer led 23-0 at halftime.

Mercer won 23-15.

I respect efficiency.

Cameron Goggins returned an interception 38 yards for a touchdown with 15 seconds left in the first half.

That ended up being the game-winning score.

The Mercer offense then spent the second half contributing nothing further to society.

East Texas A&M made it a one-score game late and actually had a chance to tie it, so I’m sure new Mercer head coach Joel Taylor found plenty to discuss in the film room.

There were positives. Brayden Smith had 131 receiving yards, Simon Zeidan kicked a school-record 55-yard field goal (nice), and the defense intercepted three passes.

But none of this is the most important Mercer development.

We need to discuss the uniforms.

Mercer wore all orange Saturday. Apparently the Bears had only worn that combination twice before and had been thoroughly beaten both times.

So naturally, when a 23-0 lead became 23-15 and East Texas A&M was driving late, Taylor was asked afterward whether the all-orange uniform curse had crossed his mind.

He said no.

He doesn’t believe in that type of stuff.

Yeah right.

But Mercer is now 1-0 in the orange uniforms since somebody publicly acknowledged the curse.

That’s data.

I’m not telling Joel Taylor how to run his football program. I’m just saying if Mercer wears orange again and loses, we reopen the investigation.

6. Furman (1-0)

Beat Anderson, 20-3

Furman beat Anderson University 20-3.

I don’t really know what we’re supposed to learn from this.

Anderson started playing football in 2024.

There might be things in my deep freezer older than Anderson football.

Still, Furman’s defense deserves credit. The Paladins allowed only 160 total yards and six rushing yards. Anderson managed 30 total yards in the second half.

Thirty.

That’s excellent regardless of opponent.

Furman also ran for 268 yards and finished with 451 yards of offense, so the final score probably undersells how much they controlled the game.

The offense just wasn’t particularly explosive.

Jake Garcia threw for 183 yards and also added 51 on the ground. Garcia has now been at Miami, Missouri, East Carolina, Michigan (was a man of honor and integrity), and now Furman.

At this point he isn’t transferring.

He’s touring.

Furman gets Tennessee next.

So after playing a football program that has existed for roughly 24 months, the Paladins now travel to Neyland Stadium.

That’s a reasonable progression.

7. Samford (0-1)

Lost to North Alabama, 22-10

Samford scored 10 points.

I checked.

Still 10.

This is particularly strange because Samford football has spent most of my adult life treating defense as an optional inconvenience and attempting to win every game 48-45.

Apparently we’re trying something new.

Gabarri Johnson actually threw for 245 yards, and Marquise Henderson had five catches for 151 yards and a touchdown.

The problem was essentially everything else.

Samford finished with negative-eight rushing yards.

Negative eight…

If Samford had simply never attempted a running play, the rushing statistics would have improved.

North Alabama finished with 13 tackles for loss and six sacks. Both were program records for UNA since moving to the FCS level.

Afterward, new Samford coach John Grass said he thinks they’re “close.”

I respect the optimism.

They’re currently eight rushing yards away from zero.

In fairness, this was Grass’ first game. New staff, new system, first game. There are going to be some growing pains.

Preferably the next stage of growth involves positive rushing numbers.

We’ll continue monitoring Birmingham.

8. The Citadel (0-1, 0-1 SoCon)

Lost to Wofford, 42-14

I still can’t get over Wofford scoring 42 points.

The Citadel actually put together a 12-play, 75-yard touchdown drive in the third quarter to cut the lead to 21-7.

For approximately five minutes, there was hope.

Wofford responded with a touchdown drive, intercepted Quentin Hayes on The Citadel’s next possession and scored again.

35-7.

Thank you for participating.

Hayes did run for 92 yards, but he threw for only 88. The Bulldogs actually outgained Wofford 351-341 and held the ball for more than 35 minutes, which makes losing by 28 points even stranger.

That’s actually somewhat impressive.

The Citadel had more yards.

More time of possession.

And lost 42-14.

It’s like winning every category on a job interview and then watching them hire the other guy before you leave the building.

Maybe Wofford is legitimately good.

Maybe The Citadel is going to have a long year.

Maybe both.

The scientific process requires additional data.

9. VMI (0-1)

Lost to Idaho State, 38-10

VMI traveled roughly 2,000 miles from Lexington, Virginia, to Pocatello, Idaho, to open its season.

Pocatello is known as the “Gateway to the Northwest.” Pioneers, gold miners, and settlers traveling the Oregon Trail passed through the area before it eventually became an important railroad and transportation hub.

That’s your geography fact for the week.

VMI then arrived and gave up 28 points in the third quarter.

Idaho State quarterback Jordan Cooke threw for 325 yards and four touchdowns, and the Bengals eventually built a 38-0 lead.

But I need to discuss something much more important.

VMI is running the triple option.

I love this.

I am currently running the triple option in my College Football 26 dynasty, so I feel uniquely qualified to evaluate this offense.

VMI ran for 229 yards on 52 carries while throwing for…

11 yards.

Eleven.

Beautiful.

That’s football.

There is something deeply satisfying about an offense where everyone in the stadium knows you are going to run the football and the primary strategic question is simply which human currently possesses it.

Did it produce 10 points?

Yes.

We’re focusing on process.

VMI is going to make every defensive coordinator on its schedule spend an entire week teaching college students how to defend an offense they last encountered when their high school played a county school with 400 students and a great agriculture program.

I respect it.

The Keydets might not be very good.

But I will be watching.

10. UNCG (0-0)

Undefeated.

Haven’t allowed a point.

No, they do not have a football team.

11. Tennessee Tech (1-0)

Beat No. 23 Monmouth, 38-14

Well.

This is becoming inconvenient.

They might actually be good.

Friends of the program may remember that I spent most of last season as the resident Tennessee Tech skeptic.

Tech kept winning. People kept getting increasingly excited. I kept asking what I thought was a fairly important question:

Who have they played?

Tennessee Tech started 10-0 against an extremely friendly schedule, and at some point people got so excited that there were legitimate conversations about Tech potentially giving Kentucky a game.

Kentucky beat them 42-10.

Then Tech beat UT Martin (barely), earned the No. 13 seed in the FCS playoffs and got a home playoff game against North Dakota.

North Dakota came to Cookeville and won 31-6.

I felt fairly vindicated.

Which brings us to 2026.

Tech opened the season against No. 23 Monmouth.

And beat them 38-14.

This creates a problem for me because I cannot immediately deploy the “they haven’t played anybody” defense.

Monmouth was good last season.

Tech didn’t sneak past them, either. Jax Leatherwood threw for 289 yards and four touchdowns, the Golden Eagles went 4-for-4 in the red zone and held the football for almost 38 minutes.

Monmouth head coach Jeff Gallo didn’t make many excuses afterward, either. He specifically pointed to Tech winning special teams, controlling field position and capitalizing on Monmouth’s mistakes.

That’s a legitimate win.

And maybe this is the difference.

Last year I needed Tennessee Tech to show me something against a quality opponent before I bought in.

This year they did it immediately.

So I’m willing to say something I did not anticipate saying in the first edition of these rankings:

Tennessee Tech might actually be better.

I don’t enjoy this development. In fact, it pains me.

Fortunately, we get another answer immediately because Tech goes to Chattanooga this week.

If they go into Chattanooga and win after dismantling Monmouth, and continue this trend throughout the season, we’re going to have to start having some uncomfortable conversations about how good Tennessee Tech actually is.

I am prepared to approach those conversations with an open mind.

After carefully reviewing all available information, Tennessee Tech is ranked…

11th.

Unfortunately, UNCG remains undefeated.

My hands are tied.

What Did We Learn?

ETSU has a quarterback. The defense needs work. Everyone needs to relax.

Western Carolina looks annoyingly dangerous.

Wofford has my attention.

Chattanooga will continue running directly at people until morale improves.

Mercer’s orange uniforms are no longer cursed. Pending further review.

Furman successfully defeated a university.

Samford is eight rushing yards away from zero.

The Citadel somehow won the box score and lost the game by 28.

VMI has embraced the triple option and therefore has my support.

UNCG remains flawless.

And Tennessee Tech might actually be good.

We’ll reassess everything next week.