We have two weeks of football now, which is plenty of information to confidently determine that I understand nothing about the Southern Conference.

The Citadel lost to Wofford by 28 and then beat an FBS team.

Wofford is 2-0 despite being outgained 438-208 Saturday.

Western Carolina rushed for one yard.

Chattanooga threw for 37.

Tennessee Tech keeps winning, which feels unnecessary.

And Campbell is good.

Campbell is not in the SoCon, so they cannot be ranked here. Unfortunately, they’ve spent the first two weeks beating SoCon teams, so we do need to discuss them.

They scored 49 at ETSU and then beat No. 24 Western Carolina 28-19 while putting up 528 yards.

We’re done pretending this is complicated.

Campbell is good.

Wake up.

1. ETSU (1-1)

Beat Tusculum, 48-14

Slow start.

Don’t care.

It’s hard to convince college kids that playing a Division II team in Week 2 is the most important event of their lives.

Eventually ETSU remembered it was supposed to win by a lot and did exactly that. The Bucs scored touchdowns on all four second-half possessions and finished with 484 yards.

Mason Mims continues to look good: 242 yards and three touchdowns. Through two collegiate starts, he’s thrown for 615 yards and five scores.

TJ Peyton added 121 yards and two touchdowns on 11 carries.

Also:

Billy Taylor!

Welcome back.

The former ETSU defensive coordinator returned to Greene Stadium, this time as Tusculum’s head coach. He was a huge part of some really good ETSU teams, so it was genuinely great seeing him back in Johnson City. He is one of the most genuine and good humans I’ve ever been around.

Hope you enjoyed the visit, Billy.

Please enjoy Greeneville, they’re luck to have you.

My only real concern was Tusculum rushing for 212 yards. That’s probably not something we want to make a habit of with North Carolina coming next.

But ETSU won 48-14.

I’m not launching a federal investigation.

ETSU remains No. 1.

Obviously.

2. Mercer (2-0)

Beat Presbyterian, 62-3

Much better.

Last week Mercer led East Texas A&M 23-0 at halftime and spent the second half attempting to lose a game it had already won.

This week they simply scored 62.

That’s more efficient.

Jaylen King accounted for six touchdowns.

Yes.

That Jaylen King.

King started 10 games at quarterback for ETSU in 2024 before going to Florida State and eventually resurfacing at Mercer.

He was also ETSU’s quarterback the night No. 2 North Dakota State came to Johnson City.

ETSU led 35-23 with less than two minutes left.

We lost 38-35.

I was there.

Saddest I’ve ever been after a football game.

I don’t really have a joke for that one.

Anyway, now Jaylen King is at Mercer scoring six touchdowns.

Great.

Mercer scored 35 points in the second quarter and led 42-3 at halftime. This time they continued participating after halftime, which was a nice development.

Presbyterian isn’t much of a measuring stick, but 62-3 is what you’re supposed to do.

Mercer gets Furman next.

Now we’ll actually learn something.

Also, no all-orange uniforms Saturday.

Interesting.

The investigation remains open.

3. The Citadel (1-1, 0-1 SoCon)

Beat Charlotte, 43-41 (3OT)

Last week:

Wofford 42, The Citadel 14.

This week:

The Citadel beats an FBS team.

Sure.

The Bulldogs went to Charlotte, rushed for 268 yards and won in triple overtime.

It was their first FBS win since beating Georgia Tech in 2019.

Here’s my favorite part:

The Citadel is now 2-0 all-time against Charlotte.

Both games went to overtime.

Imagine being Charlotte and having a small military college in Charleston that occasionally appears on your schedule solely to ruin your evening.

Charlotte had 538 yards of offense.

Didn’t matter.

The Citadel just kept running the football and hanging around until Charlotte finally lost the argument.

And now Wofford’s 42-14 win over the Bulldogs looks considerably more interesting.

This is why trying to understand the SoCon before October is a medical condition.

4. Wofford (2-0, 1-0 SoCon)

Beat Gardner-Webb, 17-13

Wofford is 2-0.

Gardner-Webb outgained Wofford 438-208.

Both statements are true.

Gardner-Webb threw for 378 yards and had twice as many first downs.

Still lost.

Special teams helped. Ivory Aikens returned the opening kickoff 97 yards for a touchdown, and Wofford’s punter put three balls inside the two.

Apparently the Wofford two-yard line is protected federal property.

Then Gardner-Webb appeared to score the winning touchdown late.

Offensive pass interference.

I’ve watched it.

I’ve watched it again.

I still don’t know.

Maybe the official saw something… I don’t know.

Touchdown erased.

Interception next play.

Wofford wins.

Shawn Watson said afterward that the passing game needs to get “cleaned up.”

Considering Gardner-Webb outgained Wofford by 230 yards, I agree there may be some light housekeeping necessary.

Still:

2-0.

And that Citadel win suddenly looks pretty good.

5. Western Carolina (1-1)

Lost to Campbell, 28-19

Campbell had to postpone this game due to a light pole not receiving any power. Did Western Carolina get hosed because of this? I don’t know. Is it something that we can blame? Sure.

I still think Western Carolina is dangerous.

Lex Thomas threw for 326 yards and two touchdowns without an interception.

That’s good.

Western Carolina rushed for one yard.

That’s less good.

One.

Not one yard per carry.

One total rushing yard on 18 attempts.

I rushed for one fewer yard than Western Carolina on Sunday.

The Catamounts also went 2-of-13 on third down, missed a PAT, and missed a 43-yard field goal in the fourth quarter.

Normally I wouldn’t panic about kicking in Week 2.

Except Western fans probably remember exactly how the Mercer game ended last year.

Field goal.

Celebration.

Field rushed.

Kicker lifted up in the air only to see him mouth “ I missed”.

Pain.

You don’t get to have kicking trauma and immediately begin collecting additional kicking trauma.

Lex Thomas can play. Kerwin Bell can coach offense. Western is going to score plenty of points.

But perhaps Tuesday’s practice should include kicking the football between the large yellow objects.

Just an idea.

And again:

Campbell is good.

Wake up.

6. Furman (1-1)

Lost to Tennessee, 56-9

I don’t know what you want me to do with this one.

Furman played Tennessee.

Tennessee is substantially better at football.

Tennessee won 56-9.

Analysis complete.

There were a couple positives.

Isaiah Davis ran for 113 yards on only eight carries, which is legitimately impressive.

Nathan Chapman also hit a 50-yard field goal.

Congratulations, Furman.

You have been awarded the Southern Conference’s functioning kicking game.

Please report to Cullowhee immediately.

Otherwise, Tennessee had 638 yards and scored 56 points.

Sometimes the check clears and you move on with your life.

Furman gets Mercer next.

That’s infinitely more interesting.

Mercer is the two-time defending conference champion. Furman is still Furman.

That’s when we’ll actually figure out where the Paladins belong.

Until then, thank you for your service.

7. Chattanooga (1-1)

Lost to Tennessee Tech, 24-9

This is a weird football team.

Chattanooga rushed for 190 yards.

Journey Wyche had 113 on 12 carries.

The defense held Tennessee Tech to 237 total yards and 76 rushing.

Those numbers suggest Chattanooga should’ve been fine.

Chattanooga threw for 37 yards.

There it is.

Thirty-seven.

The forward pass was legalized in 1906.

The Mocs remain undecided.

They completed four passes and didn’t score a touchdown.

Worse, both Chattanooga interceptions turned into Tennessee Tech touchdowns.

There’s your football game.

Rusty Wright said afterward that Chattanooga needs to execute at a “very, very, very high level” offensively.

Three verys.

I’d personally begin with completing five passes and work our way toward perfection from there.

The weird thing is I still don’t think Chattanooga is bad.

They can run.

The defense looks good.

But eventually someone is going to put eight people near the line and ask Chattanooga a very reasonable question:

Can you throw a football?

We await further information.

8. Samford (0-2)

Lost to Southern Illinois, 22-18

Progress!

Last week Samford rushed for negative-eight yards.

This week they rushed for 70.

That’s a 78-yard improvement.

At the current rate of progression, Samford will become 1995 Nebraska sometime around Halloween.

The Bulldogs were actually competitive this week.

They tied the game 15-15 late in the third quarter and had opportunities to win it.

They just couldn’t finish.

John Grass said afterward that his heart broke for his players because they were close.

I believe him.

Samford does look closer.

Unfortunately, college football continues using wins and losses instead of emotional proximity, so the Bulldogs are 0-2.

Still, this looked much more like a functional football team than the one that produced negative rushing yards against North Alabama.

Next up:

Tennessee Tech.

Please, Samford.

I don’t ask you for much.

Do something useful.

9. VMI (0-2)

Lost to Virginia Tech, 73-3

There was no football game in Blacksburg this weekend.

I checked.

Nothing happened.

VMI certainly did not trail 45-0 at halftime and lose 73-3.

Moving on.

The important thing is that I remain completely committed to VMI’s triple-option experiment.

Last week the Keydets ran for 229 yards and threw for 11.

Beautiful.

That’s football the way God intended: three yards, cloud of dust, occasional forward pass filed under emergency use only.

This week the experiment encountered several substantially larger human beings wearing Virginia Tech uniforms.

VMI passed for 87 yards while rushing for… -4.

Yes, I rushed for more yards than VMI.

Is it wrong for James Franklin to beat them this bad? Probably not.

Hoping they at least think of them for their service?

VMI gets Bucknell next.

That’s a much better opportunity to see if this offense can make the Keydets annoying in conference play.

I hope it does.

Every conference needs one team nobody wants to prepare for.

I want VMI to become that problem.

10. UNCG (0-0)

Undefeated.

Still haven’t allowed a point.

Two straight weeks.

Starting to feel sustainable.

11. Tennessee Tech (2-0)

Beat Chattanooga, 24-9

Tennessee Tech is 2-0.

There.

It’s in writing.

Last week’s 38-14 win over ranked Monmouth was good, but it looks less sexy.

Monmouth only beat Sacred Heart 31–24.

Who knows if they’re all that?

This week Tech beat Chattanooga 24-9.

Chattanooga threw for 37 yards.

Completed four passes.

Didn’t score a touchdown.

I’m not hanging a banner for this.

Tech itself had only 237 total yards and 76 rushing yards. The biggest difference was two Chattanooga interceptions, both of which became Tech touchdowns.

That’s not nothing.

It’s also not 1995 Nebraska.

Last week moved the needle on Tech.

This week mostly confirmed that Chattanooga desperately needs to discover the passing game.

Those are different things.

So Tech gets the win.

They get 2-0.

They get my acknowledgment that they’re probably a good football team…

But the jury is still out on them.

After reviewing all available evidence, Tennessee Tech moves from No. 11…

to No. 11.

UNCG remains undefeated.

What am I supposed to do? My hands are tied.

What Did We Learn?

ETSU won. Mims looks good.

Campbell is good.

Wake up.

Mercer’s quarterback used to be ETSU’s quarterback and was also responsible for the saddest I’ve ever been after a football game.

The Citadel lost to Wofford by 28 and then beat an FBS team.

Wofford is 2-0.

Nobody investigate how.

Western Carolina rushed for one yard and needs some time with the kicking net.

Furman survived Knoxville.

Chattanooga is still considering whether the forward pass is right for them.

Samford has discovered positive rushing yards.

VMI remains committed to football as God intended.

UNCG hasn’t allowed a point.

Tennessee Tech is 2-0.

We’ll reassess next week.

Except ETSU is No. 1.

UNCG is ahead of Tech.

Tech is last.

Those are constitutional.